Prologue

If women are really paid 77% of what men are paid for the same job,

why don’t employers hire only women and

reduce their staffing expense by 23%?

Seriously.  Can any socialist really believe that money hungry, capitalist pigs running any business, anywhere would refuse to increase profits by 23%?  If women really will do the exact same work for 23% less, why don’t at least women owned businesses hire only women?  Is it fear of long lines in the ladies’ rooms?  I am gobsmacked when a supposedly intelligent person talks about the “gender pay gap” as if it were real.  Dude!  Go buy a unicorn.

To support equality, in honor of Women’s History Month, I have decided provide a free math lesson.  In the spirit of diversity, this class is free not just to women, many of whom are more calculating than I am, but to anyone who has trouble understanding 2nd grade math regardless of the shape of their skin.

Some of you saying “Crap.  I hate math.  They promised me I would never have to use math again after high school. “

sorry-about-that-chief

Sorry about that chief, but a word to the unwise.  Don’t open any email from African princes.

Today’s lesson is: 

Understanding the Equal Sign

I completely support equal work for equal pay.

Hmmm – “Something doesn’t sound quite right but I can’t quite put my trigger finger on it.”

Wait – I know, it is supposed to be “equal pay for equal work”.  That is the way the politicians phrase it.  If you can’t trust a politician – uh…wait.

Lesson One Oh One: 

An equation is a statement that two values are equal

(indicated by the sign =). 

Simple.

Lesson One Oh Two:

If two values are equal, the equation is valid

regardless of which side of the = sign the components are on.

If the political slogan “equal pay for equal work” is stated mathematically, it would be “Pay = Work” and would be the same as “Work = Pay”.

See.  Math is easy.

Now that we understand equations and the word “equal”, life and math is easy.

Except for being congenital liars and devious manipulators, surely the politicians must actually mean “equal”, right?  After all they use the word equal twice same rhetorical device. Right?

But just to be sure, it is best to define every single f***ing word they say.  (sarcasm font)

Equal:    “like in value (quantity, quality, rank, ability, merit, etc.)

Pay:       “value of total compensation (wages, salary, commission, perks, etc.)

Work:    “value of performance (exertion, labor or activity)”

Like-value of work = like-value of pay.

=

Like-value of pay = like-value of work.

Same; same.

Many politicos claim that the mythical gender wage gap is that women are paid only 77 cents for every 100 cents paid to men.  The problem with this equation is that it does not include the value of “work” – or for that matter, the word “work”.  Tricky, huh?

Gender wage lie

Those political prestidigitators are employing sleight-of-mouth with words that imply equal work for equal pay for every individual but with math describing total pay of all “womenkind” versus total pay of all “menkind” while ignoring the work part.  This would more accurately be called a “Gender Payment Gap”.

What is the difference?  If we used a sample of 50 nurses and 50 doctors it wouldn’t surprise you if there was a pay gap because you know that those are different jobs and that doctors are typically paid more.  There are more male doctors than female doctors.  So, there is a pay gap between men and women in these fields but it has nothing to do with gender.  To test this, we will follow the “feminazi” creed and eliminate the men.  Wallah!  The same pay gap exists between female nurses and female doctors.  The gap is about the job, not the gender.

But, I heard it on the grapevine that there is still a gap between female and male doctors.  True, but not all doctors are equal either.  Surgeons are paid more than general practitioners.  Would it surprise anyone to know that only 19% of surgeons are female?  Once again, there is a gap between genders, but it is due to differences in jobs, not gender.

Further, not all surgeons are the same.  There is over a $100,000 gap between orthopedic surgeons and general surgeons.

Okay, okay, okay.  But, what about female and male surgeons within exactly the same specialty, exactly the same education, exactly the same experience, etc.?

Assuming you get all of the etceteras, I am with you.  If you can find two such exactly equal surgeons, it would wrong to pay them differently based on gender.  In fact it is illegal has been in the U.S. since 1963.  That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to some individuals somewhere, some times, but those are rounding errors when considering the universe of women and men.

Now, everyone who passed our little math class agrees that both sides of an equation have to be equal in order to be equal.  Therefore, we have proven scientifically that there is no such thing as the gender wage gap.   You are welcome.

As a public service, let’s explore the gender pay gap.  What do women need to do if they want to eliminate the difference in total pay between the total people in both genders?

First, women have to die.

I know that seems extreme, but it is just math, not misogyny.  Women account for only 7% of workplace deaths.  And – that does not include long term effects of things like Agent Orange, black lung disease and asbestosis.   Women need to seriously up their peril participation in higher-paying dangerous occupations such as coal miners, construction workers and explosive technicians.  Clearly, women must strive for higher work mortality rates.  For a while, of course they have to contribute way more than 50% of the body count to catch up in their come-from-behind battle to become equal.  Go team.

hear me roar

It is easy to argue that women are smarter not to put themselves in harm’s way, sit back in comfy, safe, lower pressure, lower paying jobs and collect beaucoup insurance bucks over the long haul.  Brilliant strategy.  Of course, if the disproportionate life insurance proceeds women receive as a result of their spouses’ early deaths are added to the female side or subtracted from the male side of the “equal pay” part of the equation, it could eliminate the gap without any delicate flowers risking their petals working on oil rigs in the North Atlantic.

For the persistent and Denzel Washington fans, there are numerous other equalizers.  Here is a list of 19 more, but don’t plan on spending any quality time with the kids any time soon. That is one of the things women tend to trade for higher pay.

If supporting equal work for equal pay makes me a feminist, burn my bra.

burn bra

On the other hand, anyone perpetuating the female stereotype by regurgitating emotional, illogical gender wage gap rhetoric is no friend to women.

get away

 

Be Careful What You Ask For

Once AOC has eliminated all female and male differences,

The logical course for businesses is to replace all men with women

Who are willing to do the same jobs for 23% less.

Oh.  Wait.  I forgot.  That was a lie.

liar pants on fire